xm, still lost in the desert by himself, fell to his knees, "WHAT AM I FIGHTING FOOOOOOOOR!? ARCUEID! KURISU! MISATO! WHAT IS THE POINT OF MY LIFE!? SAVE ME KOTOMI! HELP ME RURI! BRING ME SALVATION ALREADY!"
He collapsed. His body showed signs of life, yet aside from the tired motions of his breathing, he did not move a muscle.
My body is not moving. I can no longer feel anything. Am I dead? Is this what it feels like to leave your earthly body? I see a door in the distance. It's floating in space, as are the steps leading up to it. I advance step by step, yet no matter how many steps I take, the door never comes any closer. I hold in my hand a key. The key is for opening that door, I know this, yet I am denied this opportunity. A smorgasbord of colors enter my vision. Swirling blues, followed by dancing yellows, preceded by vibrant hues of violet. Every color that has ever existed, and every color that ever will exist plays out before me. I can smell the pines of the tall trees as a dragonfly darts across the forest. A pond near my feet catches a falling dandelion seed, sending ripples across the surface. The pond opens up to a vast ocean, its white-capped waves stretch far beyond what my eyes can see. I'm now sinking beneath those waves. I see jellyfish dance before me, along with barracuda and squid darting back and forth. Manta rays swim around me, like I'm an unmoving part of the environment. The water disappears, replaced with an ocean of sand. Save for the paved road, there is nothing but desert for miles and miles. I race down the road, not in any vehicle, but just as an entity, an entity with no physical mass. There are shelves filled with tiny girls with purple hair repeating a phrase and arm motion over and over. The girls' voices are beautiful, yet I can't discern what they're saying. [Asuka, the manga one] "Stop being such a crybaby already!"The ground caves in beneath me. It happens so quickly, I don't have time to react. I'm falling down into a bright subterranean shaft, shining stalactites and stalagmites blurring into one. [Asuna] "How stupid are you!? You're not in any real danger!"A cacophony of voices echoes around me, each one louder and more piercing than the last. [Akiha] "And you call yourself one of my biggest fans!? You disgrace me with your unseemly conduct!"Without meaning and without purpose, I drift through the starry night sky, a journey with no set destination- [Anemone] "Hellooooooo!? Can you even hear us!? Open your eyes and look up already!"
His bloodshot eyes opened. Craning his neck upward, he saw a pillar of white light descending from the heavens. A chorus blared out. Down came a giant humanoid machine grasping a large surfboard. It landed next to him.
The man called xm rose. Wonder filled his eyes. He bellowed forth, "NIRVAAAAASH!"
The machine called "Nirvash" extended its right arm, its palm open, facing the sky. xm stepped onto the hand, and was brought to the cockpit. Nirvash jumped onto the surfboard and flew into the sky, leaving behind a streak of Trapar energy in its wake. xm's eyes were teary as he smiled and said, "Somehow, I always knew, I always knew you'd come for me. (new beat) Oh, I should probably open the comm channel, since I now have an idea for another evaluation. Sorry Nirvash, for while I know of your connection with Renton and Eureka, and while Eureka is my second-favorite character from your show, there's one who ranks higher." And with that, he opened the comm channel, shifting the narrative voice in doing so.
Hello viewers, and welcome to a very special edition of Anime Girl Charm Evaluation. You know, I've evaluated a lot of girls since I started this, yet I haven't evaluated the one anime girl I can safely say is my angel.
Now some of you are wondering, "Didn't you already do that when you evaluated Akiha, way back in your second ever episode?" You may think so, but that is not true. Some of you close to me would presume that my angel is, well, Ange from Umineko, or Sayaka from Madoka Magica. I mean, I took the image of Ange as my avatar for the longest time, and Sayaka feels like an extension of my soul. (Ange too.) However, my true angel won my heart before I ever even heard of these women.
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That's right, we evaluate Anemone from Eureka Seven. My favorite character from my favorite anime of all time. Quite the accomplishment, but how does she do on charm?
Hair: She has long hot pink hair that reaches down to her lower back, and that's when she has her hairpins on. She has three gold hairpins that hold down two strands down the sides of her face.
And now for the part that will shock you all; I love Anemone's hair, "But! But! It's not dark brown! And, and, it's not black either! It's an unrealistic shade!" Yes, but here's the shocker; bright pink is my third favorite hair color. I don't know why, but ever since I played Tales of Phantasia, I've come to understand why pink is (sometimes) associated with femininity; because pink-haired girls are adorable! ^_^ And the same is true (in a sense) for Anemone! Just look at how her hair flows down her back; gorgeous! 10 out of 10.
Eyes: Anemone's eyes are small by anime standards. Her irises are a lilac shade of violet, and there's what looks like a red slash going through them. This is actually relevant to the story.
It's hard being an anime fan that doesn't find purple to be a nice eye color (LOL). And that red line looks scary. (even in-universe!). And much like with Faye Valentine, her eyes lack vivaciousness, at least when not experiencing a psychotic episode. At least her eyes aren't out of proportion. 5 out of 10.
Face: She has a vertical almond-shaped face. Her forehead is a bit large too.
I don't wanna say her face is special. In close-ups, her face can look nice, but it's nothing breathtaking. Still, after the fiasco that was you-know-who, she is a breath of fresh air. 6 out of 10.
Physique: Anemone is 16 (or 17, something like that) years old, so she's not a loli, but like Eureka, her body is tiny, and Nagato-like. She's not really tall, and she lacks fat, especially in the chest region. And also-
-NOODLE LEEEEEEEEGS! Trade off ridiculously large breasts, you instead get an unremarkable ass and legs, is that your game, Bones!? Yeah, still not as shapely as Akiha-sama, but petite short girls do have bodies like hers in the real world. But like Shana and Shizuru before her, Anemone is rather too slender to be shapely, at least my superficial side thinks so. 5 out of 10.
Fashion: Anemone is usually seen in one of two outfits. The first is her "civilian" garb, which is a "spacey" white dress that comes down to a wide bell curve, orange rings going around, and orange shoulder straps holding it up, topped with high high-heeled shoes with wide heels. She also wears a gold ring collar around her neck. The other outfit, her combat uniform, is a skin-hugging black suit made from what I'm guessing is latex. I can't remember seeing anything else she wears in the series.
That dress of hers makes me think of one thing; 1950s sci-fi. You could never find an outfit like that outside of a parody of 50s science fiction! As for fashion, it's an alright dress, but nothing too grand. And then there's her combat uniform. I'll just say this, if it showed any skin, I'd be headdesking right now. It's so skintight, it even contours around her belly button! Seems a bit impractical if you ask me, like it's just there for the sexually-inclined fanboys in the audience. Nonetheless, Anemone's clothes are better than some other mecha pilots I could name. 5 out of 10.
Voice: In Japanese, she is played by Ami Koshimizu........Damn you, Sunrise, for abusing her voice talent like you did! DAMN YOU ALL TO HEEEEEEELL! Uh, sorry, I shouldn't be thinking about that. I'm talking about the antithesis of Code Geass right now! Moving on, in English, she's played by Kari Wahlgren. Ami's take on Anemone gives her a medium tone that can go somewhat high. Kari's version is a somewhat high voice that can go very high. Now, Eureka Seven has one of the best English dubs ever, and Kari Wahlgren is one of my favorite actresses currently alive. I had no issue with her performance (Even though she sounds very similar to the English voice of Asuka, not sure if that was on purpose or not) since I first saw the series in English, so understand that I do enjoy her performance very much, it's just that I like Ami' Koshimizu's take a little more. (YES! All is forgiven for Kallen after all! ^_^)
Anemone's vocal performance is astounding, but I'm not supposed to evaluate that. How is she on loveliness? Not bad. Even though she usually sound psychotic, Anemone, in Japanese nonetheless, doesn't have the typical high moe voice of a teenager. And it works. Now, is her voice beautiful? Not quite. I would say it's the same level as Akiha's voice, can be pleasant at times, but not overly so. 7 out of 10.
Personality: Anemone is a pilot for a one-of-a-kind LFO known as "The End", under the service of Dewey Novak. Her caretaker and bodyguard, Dominic Sorel, is entrusted with injecting a liquid drug into her that enhances her piloting skills, a drug that comes at the cost of her mental and emotional stability.
Now I know what a lot of people think when they first see her, "She's a psychopath!" Much like Lambdadelta, she is this, yet she's a much more complex character than that too. Much more complex. How much more so? How's this; in the third-to-last episode of the series, there is a scene with her that made me cry. She's not the only character present in this scene, but she caused me to cry, and understand, I. NEVER. Cry. That's right; Anemone is the only girl on tv that ever made me cry. I could not bring myself to spoil why this is in any way, for I want those who haven't Eureka Seven to find out how a girl with a violent streak could become my favorite anime girl of all time. 20 out of 20, easily.
Miscellaneous: Uhhhhhh, Anemone doesn't have a theme song. And there is at least one Eureka Seven video game out there, but you can't play as Anemone. So uh.....................well, I have admitted that I have a condition that makes it hard for me to make tears, yet even then, Anemone could still bring me to tears anyway, no, don't pity me, I get by just fine. Uhhhhhhh, damn, what else can I say? She has more charm in the "Je ne sais quoi" sense than Faye Valentine and Himawari, so......eh fuck it! She's my favorite anime girl ever! Ahead of even Misato and Sayaka! TEN OUTTA TEN!
And finally, the tally.
Hair: 10
Eyes: 5
Face: 6
Physique: 5
Fashion: 5
Voice: 7
Personality: 20
Miscellaneous: 10
Overall: 68 out of 90, 75.55555%, C bordering on C+.
And there you have it, the profile of an angel. Truly an example of inner beauty coming out, despite first impressions. Well, luscious pink hair helps, but ask yourself, do you really think I nominate girls for my favorite characters list based on their appearance alone? No, of course not! I-
-{A blast rocks Nirvash}
Agh! Power cells down to thirty-seven percent! Main deflectors shields down! Primary cannons offline! Engine thrust waning down to seventeen percent of full strength! xm will not stop using technobabble jargon! We're going dooooooooooooown!
[There is a loud crash. xm blacks out. When he wakes up, he is no longer inside Nirvash, but rather, on the floor inside a dark room. He stands on his feet.]
[xm] Huh? Where am I?
[Figure 1] We have you at last, xm0123.
[xm] (looks around in confusion) Who said that?
[Figure 1] I did, but I'm not alone.
[xm] Uh, that's not how it works. When I ask, 'who said that', you tell me your name.
[Figure 1] If you insist. In your words, we represent, "The Mass Media."
[xm] ......My God.
[Figure 2] That's right. You have finally become enough of a virus to our operations that we had to step in. For too long have you been interfering with our agenda.
[xm] Wait, wait, me talking about the physical and mental attractiveness of girls from Japanese pop culture was your breaking point!? I thought anime was no longer considered "cool" where I lived!
[Figure 3] Not quite the case. Take for example, the most recent essay you published. You extolled hair follicles of a pink pigmentation. This goes against the status quo; the most desirable "fake" pigmentations for hair follicles lies somewhere in the indigo range, not the pale red shade. And that is only one example.
[xm] Oh I get it now! This is for all those times I shouted my love of traits you guys don't care for! Well I don't see what your problem is! I like large eyes! I can like large asses! I can like really skinny women! So what's your problem!?
[Figure 2] The problem, xm0123, is that you are causing calamity through your essays, calamity that we will put an end to.
[xm] Yeah, of course, calamity, since I'm an anime fan that doesn't suffer from Social Desirability Bias. I can rate all these different things much more honestly, and such a thing would cause a ruckus among those not used to the truth, which is bad for you, but good for me.
[Figure 3] Indeed, but we can't allow that. It's our job to determine what people should know, what people should think.
[xm] But why? Why always try to control the peoples' minds like that? Even if it's for something trivial like what brand of eyeliner does Jennifer Garner look best in, why do any of this at all?
[Figure 1] Because, xm0123, life is a challenge. Life is an ordeal. Too many variables get in the way. We help the public, by deciding some of these variables for them, such as, 'what brand of soap should I buy?''Can I invest in this house on my current salary?''Am I suitable for a woman of her background'? We determine what is best for the public to believe in.
[Figure 2] Of course, we would be foolish to assume that every last person on the Earth would follow what we dictated. It's simply our nature; we are not drones for the queen of an ant colony, after all. However, those with, let's say, "minority opinions", would be looked down upon by those who followed the status quo. You've experienced it yourself.
[xm] Being bullied for NOT hating gays, being told I was lame for favoring an SNES over a Genesis (which I still do, by the way :P), being told I'm not a "real man" and that I'm "queer" for NOT objectifying women, yeah, tyranny of the majority, bullying, the kind of conformity I don't like.
[Figure 3] Normally, the ones you call "bullies" enforce our will, silencing those with minority opinions, yet every now and then, one of these in the minority rises above the pressure, and becomes a voice that can influence others, doing things we can't approve of, sowing confusion wherever they go. We can't allow that.
[xm] You know, it would be unfair of me to blame all of my woes on you. All those who've hated me for bullshit reasons, it can't always be traced back to some arbitrary standard you set forth, but there's something from the last review I didn't elaborate on. Before you destroyed one of my memories of one of my favorite things in life, I said Anemone was the only girl, on tv, who ever made me cry.
[All Figures] (gasp)!
[Figure1] That's right! There's also!-
(a loud break of a window break erupts. A new figure lands in front of xm.)
[xm] You truly live up to your name, I must say!
[Ange] Really? Is now a time for such half-assed attempts at puns?
[xm] A ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! You're just as I remembered!
[Figure 1] (to mass media figures) You fools! Why didn't you check to see if a video game ever made him cry too!?
[Figure 2] But he never said!
{A blinding flash erupts. When it fades, a figure in thigh-highs is standing in front of Ange.}
[Lucifer (Pride)] Who dares sully the good name of a fan of my mistress!? I will NOT let you stain the reputation of one who values my mistress as much as he does!
[xm] Whoa, did you just summon one of the Seven Sisters of Purgatory!?
[Ange] I'm not done yet.
{bright flash}
[Beelzebub] (looks at media figures) Oh wow! Fresh meat! I love it when I get to add new ingredients!
[Figure 2] (to other figures) Don't just stand there! Do something!
{bright flash}
[Asmodeus] (looks at xm) Cute boy! Let me protect you, so I'll earn affection points from you!
[xm] Uh, what? Sorry, I don't go for summoned demon girls.
{bright flash}
[Belphegor] Look what you've made me do. I have to work to rid myself of these vermin.
[Ange] (at xm) So having reviewed your essays, can I be safe to assume that the sister girl from Tsukihime is your ideal wife?
[xm] (blushes) Huh? It's not like that! It's not like that at all!
{bright flash}
[Satan] Stupid lousy media moguls! I will rip out your spinal cords and gouge your eyes out with them!
[Figure 2] Spoken like a true keyboard warrior. (new beat) Is there some kind of barrier preventing us from moving?
{bright flash}
[Mammon] Before we get started, Ange, what is it you want to obtain with this battle?
[Ange] Some dignity.
[Mammon] Eh heh heh! It's possible to be greedy for something other than material goods! You understand that well!
[Ange] Hold on, there's still one last Stake I need to summon.
{bright flash}
[Leviathan] Why did you summon me laaaast!? Everyone knows I would gladly fight the mass media! It's not faiiiiiiir!
[Satan] Maybe if you didn't whine so much, we'd tolerate you better!
[xm] (at media figures) And there you have it, my response to your attempt at taking over my program. Tell me, do you really think you stand a chance against all of us?
[Figure 1] There's only one way to find out.
[Fade to black]
{And now, a special word from the author:
Peoples, I can't keep doing this forever. As amusing as rating girls based on their charm points, or lack thereof is, I have other things to tend to in my life, not the least of which being writing my ebooks. I hope this doesn't come as too much of a shock to all of you, but I have other priorities now.
I can still write "informal" evaluations of anime girls. They're much less detailed, but I've already done one for Alice the B Rabbit from Pandora Hearts elsewhere, and if I know a character well enough, I could do more. It's just that these full-on blogs sap the same sort of mental energy I use for my books, and I wanna concentrate more on those in the future. This means the mantle shall belong to EmperorTopaz and ZettaiRyouiki once more! Not that it belonged to me to begin with, but whatever.
Oh, and also, if you want to know what happened, it's best to make up your own ending. Use your imagination, like I'm prone to doing. XD}
